UMPA Clan History

History of UMPA Written by Vapor:

Wonkas Umpa Lumpa's were created back in the late 1990's by =UMPA=Warrior with the advent of the Mechwarrior series. Warrior was looking for a theme to create a clan to play the game together and decided to borrow from the Wonka series. So in order to hopefully avoid any copyright infringement he changed the spelling slightly. The UMPA clan became a very tight knit community and you would find them playing Mechwarrior almost nightly. Our teamspeak server would have 10-15 people playing almost all the time. As a clan playing together on teamspeak we became almost invincible, every game would end up with all UMPA's on the top of scoreboard. Mechwarrior was a very tactical game, you had all different weapons with different ranges, you used keyboard and joystick together to play. We played together for quite a few years as Microsoft released version after version of the game.
UMPA slowly waned away after a while though because Microsoft dropped the series. But yet some of us still keep in touch. When we were in our heyday one summer Vipor invited everyone to come to Pennsylvania to get together and meet each other. I myself could not make it but several did come, including one all the way from the UK. I myself got a good friend out of the deal, Vipor. We've been good friends for a very long time, yet we have never met face to face. Yet when he had a personal crisis I was one of the first people he called and I feel honored to have him as a friend.

History as found on the old UMPA website:

The =UMPA= clan was not always a feared force in the universe, that is until fate stepped in and brought war to their planet. Safe and content on Kentares XIII the Umpa Lumpas spent their days peacefully harvesting sugar cane and making sweet surprises for the universe to enjoy. Their entire planet, which was the home world of the vast Wonka Empire, had been converted into the largest producer on confectionery delicacies in the entire universe. It was the year 3068 when the fleet of invaders first touch down on this peaceful planet, until this year the people had been untouched by the battles that raged against the other planets in the Universe, it was until this year that the universe did not realize the destruction that was about to be unleashed.

The first attack on the planet came at dawn in sector 7. Two harvesters suddenly dropped off of the harvest central control grid. Drones where immediately sent to investigate. The footage that they took of the crushed harvesters and the monstrous mechanized robots is still only shown to the bravest of Umpa Lumpas as they head into battle. Crushed like small toys the harvesters and their pilots where smoldering wrecks with the cane fields ablaze with unholy fire. Sector 7 immediately began to panic, every warning beacon was triggered and within minutes the entire Wonka Empire was brought to full alert status. Willy himself went to the underground command base in sector 1 and from his 10,000-foot deep underground bunker he ordered the Umpa’s to repel the invading forces.

The brave Umpa’s got into their harvesters and from every sector they hurled themselves at the forces before them. Hundreds of thousands perished in the first day of the war. It seemed that there was no stopping the assault. The invaders with stood a constant barrage of defenders; their mechanized machines seem impervious to damage. After the third day and almost a million casualties Willy called a halt to the assault and decided to let Engineering know that there may be a problem in sector 7. Always the last to know, the Engineers immediately went into action and called a pre-meeting meeting to discuss the agenda for the forthcoming meeting. After a few hours of debate it was decided that candy would be served AND coffee – the meeting adjourned until the next day.

During the next days meeting it was reported that the robots had begun to move into sector 6 and Willy was very anxious. Pressure was not something the Umpa’s where used too and they began to panic – all but two that is. Two very different Umpa’s actually decided to do something, they had a plan, a plan so daring that they dare not share it with the rest of the department.

Back in their octicals they quickly searched the Internet for ‘Really Big Mechanized Robots with Weapons’ and immediately where able to download all the top-secret design schematics from secure government sites and databases. Picking the first one that looked good to them they placed an order – realizing their mistake they quickly canceled the order (rumor is that the paperwork is still in the system somewhere and it is now 3073) and walked down to the manufacturing department with the schematics. Putting the Wonka Empires limitless budget to the test these two Engineers and teams of skilled workers where able to build two massive Nova Cats in just 35 hours. War was at hand!

The next challenge was to find pilots. A new breed of Umpa Lumpa was born that day, a dangerous, vigilant, pissed off breed of combat engineers! The first two pilots shrugged of their engineering uniforms and took the call signs Assassin and Warrior. Trouble began almost immediately once they got into the mechs – neither of them could reach the controls! Obviously the pilots of the other worlds where much larger than the Umpa Lumpas pilots and some enhancements where required to make the mech pilotable. There was also the problem of a fuel source.

A quick collaboration and one engineer began work on a sugar based fuel and weapon system and the other began the redesign of the cockpit to fit the needs of an Umpa Lumpa. These modifications are still used today in all mechs created in the Wonka Robotic Factories and they include; a free candy dispenser, a cup holder for a super size drink, bucket seats, plush leather trim, power windows, power steering, intermittent wipers, monosacrituate fueled lasers and propulsion (the television system was removed as it was too much of a distraction for the pilots as they kept watching the historical documents broadcast from ‘Earth’ called ‘CHiPs’).

OK, so now they where ready for battle. Comfortable in the new Mechs they charged into combat and immediately stepped on four buildings, ten harvesters and took out an entire chocolate factory. Leaving sector 2 they raced across the planet to engage the enemy on the field of battle. After scoring countless hits on the surrounding landscape they finally hit one of the enemy mechs and got their attention. A vicious battle ensued and after suffering tremendous amounts of damage the two brave skilled pilots defeated the ‘Raven’ and ‘Osiris’ assault force. With both of the enemy’s mech’s destroyed and their pilots captured Assassin and Warrior returned to sector 1 hero’s, brave pioneers, leaders in the world of Umpa’s, founders of the Elite Guard.

As a historical side note, the pilots later confessed that their Dropship was attacked in space and that they landed on this planet by mistake. After three years of swift prosecution, the pilots where found guilty of, treason, murder, driving under the influence, lighting fires without a permit, and discharging a fire arm within 1 parsec of a farm building. The sentence of death was requested! Instead of death the jury of 67 members instead voted to have them suffer the greatest most horrible punishment in the Umpa Lumpa law books – they where dipped in taffy, feathered, and shipped home via UPS ground service and never heard from again. The tracking number was accidentally lost, the crate was marked ‘Fragile’ and the package was intentionally NOT insured.

Tragically, Willy Wonka was killed during the battle. While watching the battle from his bunker he accidentally consumed an experimental Ever-Expanding Gobstopper and the Umpa Lumpas around him mistook his wild gestures and screams as signs of encouragement, only much later when he exploded in the bathroom did they realize his mistake. The product is still in the testing phase, but the sales force has placed an order for 1 million units to be shipped to the Steiner army. Revenge is sweet (at least for us Umpa Lumpas).

More importantly the planet was saved and production of confectionery delights was able to continue. The new co-leaders, Assassin and Warrior, founded a new division of the Wonka Empire called =UMPA=. This division of elite guards people come from all walks of life and they are dedicated to the production of Mech’s – the recruiting of elite pilots – expanding the empire – and going on tour with their new band. Soon the battle may be on your planet, or at least the WARZONE will come and play at a stadium megaplex near you! (Lots of good seats still available!)